Archive Page 2
Kneeling over her latest victims, who’d been torn into bite size pieces, she looked up to us and growled “that was numbers four and five on my fucking list”. “A..a…a..cool no problem Mandy, none at all..none at all”.
We’d arrived as Mandy had invited Beatmag for an interview and to help her construct one of her infamous lists. She scuttled toward us, still gorging on the souls of sub – editorial staff and lesser mortals she’d clearly had for second breakfast. Mandy a red – eyed, eight legged jargon – spinner was compiling a list of the “least influential bloggers in South Africa”. We were only too happy to help.
“Give me the first one” she said whilst crunching what appeared to be Simonb’s smallish skull. “Well, we thought about this one quite a bit, and we thought at number one Matthew Buckland”. Shaking her head displeased, she silently scribbled as we spoke of Matthew’s abysmal failures. I recounted my vision of Matthew dressed as a clown, his make up running down his tear-stained face, handing out balloons at Spur, crying “Cirque de so lame!”. Mandy nodded knowingly – she sipped on her iced G&T and beckoned “tell me more”, all the while peering over her glass at Saul. Her comments about his writing, flattering as they were, seemed to tell a story of a stronger more disturbing fascination with his forehead..”uh well, and there was this one time we saw Matthew desperately handing out his C.V at Sandton City, but that isn’t something we’d really want to publish on the internet, would it?” Mandy stared at me, I stared at the wall behind her, shaking.
Quickly interrupting the awkward moment, I muttered “what about this Duarte fellow?” Mandy probed, “who?” I wasn’t entirely sure, but replied nonetheless “Dave is the lesser known brother of the famous Jesse Duarte, you know the one man, she’s in the ANC and stuff. Anyway, I heard the other day that Dave, since watching ‘good will hunting’, lives under the stairwell of UCT’s marketing department, biding his time reciting Seth Godin’s lectures and scratching at his ever-growing hump.” “Yes, yes it is his social experiment, huddle mind, he huddles clinging to his Godin ideology and we simply don’t mind, and he doesn’t matter” muttered Mandy.
“More, give me more!” she grew more excited, and snuck ever closer to Saul. I retreated a little. “Well uh number three on the least most influential bloggers list is, you.” Saul looked at me, I looked at him, we spun around just as our guest blogger WoganMay arrived.
Filed under: Shaken | 10 Comments
Tags: dave, mandy, matthew, taking the piss
Dear Tyler
We’re really sorry. We thought it was a joke but clearly we went overboard. Just to make sure everyone know that Tyler is not actually a pedophile like we accused him and this was purely an overboard joke that went nasty. As I’ve said to Tyler, this is not within the typical style of the site and was a childish mistake on my behalf.
Regards
Saul Kropman, BeatMagazine writer
And endorsed by the other white meat, Vincent H.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 12 Comments
Rafiq The Guru Phillips.
Rafiq The Guru Phillips
Bio adopted and adapted from Quirk.biz :
Legend has it that Rafiq Phillips was conceived of and in the interweb. This self appointed SEM Guru is the love child of Google’s Larry Page and Sergey Brin. It is said by his peer, that Rafiq has been the industry, in one way or another, long enough to understand that making sense says nothing about one’s character – but rather in his words “reveals the inner i and connects you to the wwworld around you”.
Rafiq has repeatedly popped up on our radar as somewhat of a playboy, Wogan May one of the lesser known stars of the online space had this to say about Rafiq : “when I was a small boy, all I wanted was a real name, a name which didn’t warrant severe beatings and bogwashings. A sturdy and masculine name like Rafiq would have been nice”. We all agreed with Wogan – and prodded him with a broom stick, until he cried. Wogan was clearly dismayed.
Symbion Putterman one of Rafiq’s most vocal fans, shook and wept when we jokingly offered her a chance to meet Rafiq, “my preciousssious” she snapped, as she hunched over and bobbed up and down with glee. We’d brought along a box set of Lord of the Rings (anime ed.) in case of emergency and we tossed it as far as we could from us, Symbion scratched at the air and ran after her prize. We just ran as quickly as we fucking could.
We managed to corner the rather rotund Rafiq whilst on his summer vacation in the Swiss Alps (see above). He was out of breath and had just emerged from his latest acquisition the iCocoon.
Rafiq Phillips, much to our bemusal, is a lively little four foot creature, which took us all by surprise as he seemed so much taller online. Although Charl Norman on many occasions had promised us of its visibility we did not see any signs of the small calcium deposits (Charl called the deposits horns) growing out of Rafiq’s skull. The steel forehead, which apparently “guarantees 100% wifi reception worldwide” was clearly visible but the horns definitely not.
Rafiq opted to respond to our questions via his twitter stream (which we’d assumed was a part of his digestive tract but were it appears wrong). Rafiq has since his disappearance opted to replace his vocal chords with a bluetooth speaker device connected to his “life-stream”.
B.M : “If you could meet one person on this earth who would it be”
@Rafiq : “I are 127.0.0.1 w00t w00t!”
B.M : “Okay…”
@Rafiq : “Would u base ur personal fundamentals on the same thing that makes bank of america sink?”
B.M : “Not really, no, would you base yours on what you’ve learnt at the Google creche”?
@Rafiq : “All bees r programmed do the same ‘dance’ on lemon blossoms with variations due2blossom age”
B.M : “Yes but what does that mean, care to explain?”
@Rafiq : “It means respecting those who understand the code and use it ethically not the code itself”
B.M : “So are you trying to say the world is simply just a body of code?”
@Rafiq : “i have an idea id like2share with u”
@Rafiq : “Getting an idea from inside ur head onto paper in english any1understands takes alotta thinking”
B.M : “Thanks Rafiq, that’s all we need, k bye”
@Rafiq : “Would we need a .gov in a society that was #open !!!”
@Rafiq : “Stop, drop, climb into SERPs, open up shop. Oh, no,thats how Web AddiCT(s); roll”
@Rafiq : “Stop, drop, climb into SERPs, open up shop. Oh, no,thats how Web AddiCT(s); roll”
@Rafiq : “Stop, drop, climb into SERPs, open up shop. Oh, no,thats how Web AddiCT(s); roll”
And so he chanted, on and on, we packed up our recording equipment, waited for him to walk away scratching his round little head, still chanting “Stop, drop, climb into SERPs, open up shop. Oh, no,thats how Web AddiCT(s); roll”…
No words, just a silent prayer to the almighty Yusuf, that our friend @Rafiq will be ok.
Transcripts of this interview can be found @ www.twitter.com/rafiq
Filed under: Shaken | 2 Comments
Tags: rafiq phillips
One of Simonb's many alias's
Local Fring blogger, Simonb, has had to have his Muti login revoked due to what site owners describe as “excessive usage”.
Speaking to the media last night via Skype cast, Muti founder Neville Newey had the following to say: “At first everytime Simonb posted a link he suddenly got close to 4 extra votes for that post which obviously raised suspicion. When we investigated further we realised that most of his posts led to mail order Russian bride sites owned by none other than a mysterious ‘bSimon’.”
In a case that lasted months, the Muti authorities eventually put two and two together and made the Simonb link. “He had literally thousands of Muti accounts he used to vote his sites up with” said Muti chief of police, Justice Tsoness.
“Mr b’s countless logins have been revoked but unfortunately we might only have around 4 other people on the site now” said Newey.
In an exclusive phone call with Simonb last night, Beat Magazine got the following comment: “This is honestly not what it seems. In reality I was just trying to find Shebee a girlfriend… seriously!”
There you have it folks, straight from the horses mouth.
Filed under: Shaken | 10 Comments
Tags: Muti, Neville Newey, Simonb
Yusuf Asylum
Recent rumours have suggested that Mike Stopforth of Cerebra / 27dinner’s fame has retreated from the limelight, in favour of a remote sanctuary in the Port St. Johns.
We asked Mike’s colleagues about his decision to bow out, in spite of being in the prime of his extraordinary career. Asking to remain anonymous, Mike’s employees said :
“We were never too sure how he was going to cope with his fame, Ghandi struggled, Mandela struggled and now it appears Mike is struggling coming to grips with his rise to the ascendancy.”
“Mike don’t go, don’t go” slobbered another employee, whilst another stated “Mike has been like a gay uncle to me, he touched my heart in more ways than one”.
It appears it is not only his employees who’ve struggled to take the news but others in the online community too. Hell once we found out the detrimental side effects of bursting the Mike Demi – God bubble we had to try it on more victims so we interviewed as many as we could.
Gustav Bertram stoically remarked, “the borg giveth and the borg taketh away”.
Nick Rocky Haralambous whilst convulsing on the floor and rolling his eyes in a rather unattractive fashion spluttered the words, “no, not him, it can’t be,no,no,no – he was my one true love” and as the words apple blossom scrolled across his vacant eyes we couldn’t help but feel a pang of disgust.
Charl Norman wept openly and posted a lament on his website – the piece included visions of a future without MIke, a world without a mountain. With sweeping metaphors and penned illusions Charl Painted a world in which the offices of web startups were devoid of Nintendo Wiis and X-boxes, and strange developers.
Rafiq Phillips said “this is notalossbut teh beginning, the apple does not fall far from the source, let the people of the wwworld free”
We tracked down mike, and although he refused to comment, he produced a small brochure with the details of his retreat on it – and we are ashamed to report the pricing is reasonable. The Yusuf Asylum package includes one free massage with a happy ending, accommodation, and includes a free bronze mike – statuette which when tipped produces a liquid remarkably similar to Jack Daniels.
Mike leaves behind a powerful legacy and his team @cerebra who for those interested can check up on at www.cerebra.co.za . For those more enamoured with Mike, you can find his personal blog at www.mikestopforth.com however in light of what we now know the site is said to be changing to www.mikestopped.co.za
Filed under: Stirred | 6 Comments
Tags: 27dinner, mike stopforth
Gustav Bertram in 2045
In an unsurprising twist, open source activist, Gustav Bertram has admitted that he is in fact a cyborg.
“This isn’t that big a surprise to us in the community” said Web 2.0 demi-god Mike Stopforth. “We all knew he had no sense of humour and I guess it only makes sense that he is actually a robot”.
When Beat Magazine interviewed Bertram, he candidly admitted to being a robot from the year 2045 sent back in time to protect someone who goes by the name “Cohn Jonner”. Unfortunately his robot overlords set the time backwards to 2002 rather than 2020 proving that artificial intelligence still has a long way to go even in the year 2045.
“I had a lot of time to kill and since I’m a robot all I knew what to do was program.” Said Bertram in an exclusive chat with Beat.
Bertram describes his passions as long walks on the beach and Pina Colada’s. “I even had to program a drunk protocol for myself so I could fit in with people on the beach drinking Pina Colada’s” said Bertram.
Asked whether he was the root of every computer related virus in the world Bertram blushed a beetroot colour and was heard to have said that this was an unfortunate side effect of a coupling with a “robot of ill repute” back in the year 2045. Unfortunately, despite being a robot, Gustav has needs and had a particularly saucy session with a Dell laptop back in 2004 which then spread the nasty disease through the Internet.
The good news about this evil super virus from the future is for Apple users. Gustav has a distaste for Apple PC’s and “wouldn’t touch them with a ten foot stiffy disk” so Apple users are safe…. for now
Filed under: Stirred | 2 Comments
Tags: Apple, Gustav Bertram
Nick is the kind of guy who gets sent into the “pit” by his employers, the last time we heard from him was at the iphone 3g launch. Who knows if he’ll ever come back. I for one fear that the deadly combination of iPhone ironic stupidity and Fresh’s ironic humour might just provide Nic’s undoing.
Nick Rocky Haralambous
Nick, if you didn’t already know runs a blog called SARocks which if you don’t you’ll have to google if you haven’t already. The site itself is at the forefront of new media employing the as yet unexplored territory of positive-South Africanism. A perspective which has led to some suggesting that Nic reads the news with a single designated eye as some have suggested he seems to miss most of the negative press.
Now onto the man himself; known to many as Nick Rocky Haralambous he spends his quiet time mulling over his favourite self – help book, “how to take great shots of yourself whilst holding the camera…yourself’.
When not updating the world of twitter on his latest album “acquisitions” he can be found singing cabaret and dancing with what he likes to call the “anti-crime marches” a rather strange title for a musical act but a title nonetheless.
Sources closest to Nic suggest that he has a few skeletons in his closet. which like saulk’s “firststep.co.za” has an instruction manual hidden within it which instructs one on the proper skipping out technique.
Skeleton number one, is that he has a facial hair grooming kit to match Trump’s follicle flattening fantasia. So large is his collection of beard trimmers, that some say you can see it from the moon. Although this fact is yet to be confirmed – space travel is of course a bit of communist propaganda so there is truly no way of telling just yet.
Skeleton number two, Nic appears to have a strange fascination with the dating site zoopy.com and their mascot Charl Norman who heads up dating site of a similar name zoopedup. It would appear that the two hit it off at the Johannesburg 27dinner, whilst the rest of the party mingled, Nic and Charl, on mxit of course, e-whispered sweet nothings into one another’s ears.
Nic Rocky H. great guy..check out what he can do @ www.sarocks.co.za and www.zoopy.co.za or find him lurking on www.charlnorman.co.za
Filed under: Stirred | 1 Comment
Tags: charlnorman, nick, nick haralambous, sarocks
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