We here at BeatMag have decided to introduce to you, an agony aunt. She will appear as often as she can and answer some of the questions that are put forth out there. She is grumpy, single & sex deprived. Watch your step.

Letter 1000,003 was chosen to be answered first:

Dear Agony Arent May,

My name is Pam Sykes, I represent the sane part of twitter, the group that only converses about business “#idea’s”, “web 2.0″ and pick ‘n pay shopping sessions. In other words, serious life changing matters, like the weather, my children’s school happenings and looking good. Sadly, not everyone shares my views, or even likes what I like, or even agrees with me mostly.

I have a secret fetish that no one knows about, I dream longingly of slating those people who use twitter as a personal chat room. I envision them gagged and bound to a plastic chair, eyes dilated and terrified as I bore them to insanity with a long line of quotes from self help books and life biographies. I dream up of different ways to teach them lessons on how to use IM instead of twittersations, I do ritual dances at sunrise in order to have my prophecy come true.

I live for this day. I know it’s wrong, I know I am evil, I know I need help, but please! Just tell me how to deal with them not talking about Tech stuff, I can’t handle it any longer!

Sincerely,

Paranoid Pam

Dearest P.P.

Listen up, make your way down to the nearest hippie (also known as homoeopathic) clinic and find yourself something called “Nevaton”, which is something a fellow (non Tech speaking) tweeter, SheBeeGee, claims to work like “a motherbitch”. Aren’t you lucky for small god given mercies?

Your nerves are dangerous, if only just because they are annoying and make me want to stab out my eyeballs with two rusty teaspoons – it’s uncalled for Pam, if you don’t like something, don’t read it. In this case, unfollow it.

In a total aside subject, PP, I like your hairstyle. I wish my face wasn’t so round or I would copy it. You’re pretty. But stop moaning at people for talking on twitter! Not everything has to go your way, look at EveD, she’s doing a sterling job of balancing the two. She’s even funny sometimes. There’s hope for you yet!

Random Agony Arent’s tip for the day:

If you are still a useless member of society and not old (i.e. under 30) then you should live life each day like it’s your last. No, that doesn’t mean curling into a ball and crying in a corner, you little pansy.

Next week’s featured letter: from some little white ho known only as ‘expensivethrills’.