Who wants to be, a millionare! Bloggers in crisis – poverty and so much more

07Oct08

The other day whilst walking with my business partner, the one who lovingly refers to me as the Internet’s “miscreant”, I happened by chance on a profound idea, it’d been hiding amongst the arbitrary tweets and haphazard business related thoughts. Where is your money, you sneaky little fuckers! If you’re in the business of selling “e-marketing” I expect you to be driving a smallish benz, puffing on a “stogey”, talking about your international travels and those annoying tales of your grudge purchases, likey your enormous French villa bla bla bla. You never seem to have such information for me! Why, are you saving for a rainier day? I know so many people looking for experts in “e” anything you should be making a killing! They happen to live in the east of Johannesburg, again I’m new to this place so forgive my generalizations, and from what I’ve heard require you to don a moniker like “frankie the electric wizard”and palm off small tablets to club goers, but at least you’d be earning your keep in this world not just screwing about pissing into the electronic gusts.

Take for instance Charl Norman, who has created what appears a covert dating site for particularly strange looking plastic people. He drives a smallish car, dates a model, eats the finest fast food money can buy and in spite of this his wealth in the “web 2.0″ industry appears to pale in comparison to say a parliamentarian who in her spare time dates a model, is driven about in a car we’ve paid for and dines on the most expensive meals hand delivered by our conniving tax men all the while operating at one hundredth of the mental capacity poor Mr Norman does.

Nevertheless my point is, you’re all far too broke. I’ve seen CraigN rummaging through bins to find his next feast, his sidekick, who bares a striking resemblance to him, getting the scraps as identical side kicks do. I’ve heard him howling about not being able to sleep at night fearing that his status as the electronic – reverend would be revoked and reassigned to lesser evangelists like the eccentric Feng Sushi from Fizzy.co.za. Craig, if I may interrupt your untimely demise, here is some advice, “you should spend more time at work and less time praying to the xbox for salvation. You should ensure that you keep hunting human prey with your camera to the bare minimum for it shall have detrimental effects on your health and wellbeing.”

I’ve heard rumours of blogger characters who are past the magical 23 year old barrier, Saulk watch yourself, who still live with their mothers. Think Will Farrel from the Wedding Crashers, you’re playing in that territory of creepiness. I assume you lot are who do live with your mommies are saving your pennies hoping to start the next counter intuitive blogging revolution or the niche social community for the 30 + bloggers who stay at home with their mothers. To which we all have to say Amen! Thank you purple barney buddha that you’re not getting outside to breed with any of the rest of the population, spreading your immiscible identities with those who are able to mix and network with the “real folk”.

Hell what’s worse is at the last 27 dinner I noticed Walter Pike sneaking off to the “loo” incessantly, only to catch him shuffling rather hurriedly off to the car park to syphon petrol out of what he screamed were the “noobs” motor vehicles.  I of course assumed that he was going through a “rough patch” and was merely taking from the rich to feed his poor dying steed. We are reminded in those profound moments that assumptions are indeed the mother of all fuck ups because instead of re – focusing the fuel’s intentions to his own car, he pulled out a hip flask and tipped the petrol into it. I startled by this desperation, called out “Walter its cool, Garsen is handing out free Tequila!” He turned, I flinched knowing he was ashamed of himself and tried to be the better man, “its cool Walt I wont tell anyone, this’ll be our little secret”. “Thank you Vincent, I’ve always trusted you.” We went back into Capellos, misty eyed. When one of the presenters candidly mentioned “we’re also cool by the way and have tattoos”, I leaned over to Walt gave him a knowing look and we each took a swig of the petrol to take the edge off of what we’d just heard.

So to end this little tale, I shall pose a few questions to the blogging community. What are you guys doing with your money, seriously? Are you spending it on transient luxuries like french soaps and foreign smelling bath oils? Are those of you still biding your time, developing the next big thing, hoping to re create the demonic facebook? Did you go and buy an MG with the insurance money you were supposed to utilize for a responsible family sedan only to be kneed in the knads with repair bills which never seem to end?

Tell me your secrets!!

Filed under: Shaken   |  9 Comments
Tags: povertea, taking the piss, vincenth