Vince the Vagabond Hofmann.

30Sep08

Vincent lurking at the door

He was wearing a faded t-shirt with the words “Freedom of Movement?” splashed across his chest. He recognized us, remembering the times we’d shared when he was still a successful blogger – before the Ryler incident. He slurred “wheresh my fukin money” and stuck his head into the open window, bringing with him the smell of wet compost.

He’d opted to bow out of the BeatMag network just before it’d made its millions in ad revenue. He’d cited a personal conflict with his own creation, vincenth. The self-reflection which he underwent as a result of blogging about himself, caused a mental separation that would never heal.

Sympathetically we offered him a ride to wherever he was going. We knew that this was our only chance to talk to him before the meth-rehydration-programme he’d been on since his “departure” had its last laugh at his expense.

BeatMag : So what are you up to these days?

Vince : Ag, wat da blikshem. What do you think? I’ve been eating the left overs of buppies, do you think this is a joke – I’ll fuckin smack you. Ok!

BeatMag : Ya..ok, no I’m not laughing hey, just something caught in my eye.

Vince : Ya where was I saying?

BeatMag : We asked what you’re doing these days?

Vince : Ya, Moral Fibre’s going well – we’ve started printing your shirts already and the stock will be on the shelves soon.

BetMag : But…Vincent

Vince : But what!! Jesus, such fucking pressure all the time. You people always badgering me with your, “you’ve done nothing yet”… “where’s the shop Vince”…”this shirt doesn’t fit..bla bla bla!”

BeatMag : Ok, ya, we were going to actually just say but its been ten years? Talita is running Moral Fibre now, quite profitably too actually. We just wanted to know what you were doing.

Vince : oh. Shuddup! ok just Shuddup [he whimpers, takes out a small moleskine book and a black bic pen from his tattered pants and begins writing]

BeatMag : What are you writing?

Vince : Nothing. [he scribbles something down] Just leave it ok!

BeatMag : Come on man, if its good we’ll see if we can get it published [we can't]

Vince : Really, you mean that? [we don't]

BeatMag : Of course you can trust us, would we lie to you? [we would]

Vince : Well its this story of this young guy, he’s called Vince and he’s got this scar on his face. It looks like a lightning bolt. His parents, a witch and wizard have been killed by Lord Norman of the BlueWorld Realm. He lives with his two aunts, Sheebee and Expensivethrills, both mugglepoofs. They belittle him every day and fill his young mind with foul language and explicit discussions about scissoring.

BeatMag : Ok but this is a bit similar to …

Vince : [holds his hand up to us] “Ok just fuck off and let me finish, here’s the best part. So like he lives in his aunts house, and there’s this school called BlogWarts. The headmaster, Humblewhore, knowing of Vince’s hereditary baldness and secret mind tricks sends him a magical – mule, carrying with it a letter of invitation to Blogwarts” He stops and pauses for effect and whispers “its Saul, the mule, its Saul, because he’s an ass”. [Saul looks at me, flashes his platinum grin and sniggers]

“Vince..” he carries on “is to attend the magical Blogwarts school of wizardry ultimately conquering evil Lord Norman and winning the prize for most handsome wizard in the world, ever. Yah anyway you get the picture, you wouldn’t understand the rest its way over your heads, the story is actually an [he raises his hands and gesticulates the universal sign of intellectual arrogance, the finger apostrophees] allegorical tale which speaks to theory on institutionalized conformity, confronting notions of sexuali”.

But before he could finish his pathetic story, Saul kicked him to the Curb, shouting as he did, “Harry Potter assehole, Harry Potter”.

<Secretly they were jealous of Vincent’s ideas, and decided to write a story based on his. Saul grew nervous however claiming foolishly that “the Vincent Potter idea was not truly original” their friend and legal aid, reminded them that originality is relative and that South Africa being the cradle of humankind was afterall the real Milli Vanilli and thus existed in parallel to the rest of the world>

Filed under: Stirred   |  1 Comment
Tags: probably a lot more piss taking of myself to come, taking the piss again, vincent.h so hot right now, vincenttheass