Yeah… We’re Back
No beat magazine has not been victim to a 1st trimester abortion, it has just undergone a coup, that’s all. We are back with a furious erection.
So what did we miss in the last few months of living with dial-up again?
- Should Afrigator be rebranded Twitterati?
- Has Zoopy become to Vodacom what Monika Lewinsky was to Bill?
- What is Amatumo ?
- News24 gets a redesign *cough*
- SA Blog Awards? When was that?
We’ll get into all of those topics in due time… For now all you need to do is know that we are back.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Bye guys and gals have fun with the new guys and a gal.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Tags: bye, taking the piss is dead
In a bid to win over the hearts and minds of the South African bloggers BeatMagazine will now be offering link love. There are a few rules however, and stringent adherence to said rules must be maintained in order acquire the necessary “electronic – social – capital” to warrant a “link-love” or “link lust”. Whatever you cool kids are calling what you do in the bushes these days.
In order to acquire linklove from BeatMagazine you would need to provide us with the following :
- 3 months bank statements (so we can chuckle)
- A verified copy of your Identity Document (so we can snigger at your adolescent-fro)
- A smallish brown box, the contents of which will include : your soul neatly bound and polished (rub all that pigeon shit off of your shoulders please), a small Tupperware container filled with your frozen tears, a lock of your hair and access rights as an administrator to your personal blog
- A written waiver of all of your rights as a human being, if you haven’t already done so by attributing your success in life to your blog’s prestige on Amatomu
Your personal details will not remain confidential and your salary will go viral amongst advertisers. We will be creating credit – card fliers for those desperate moments when Mr Visa can’t cut the coke any more.
Your soul, worthless in its tangled but intangible form, shall be placed in the BeatMag offices as a trinket, it’ll glow like fools gold and attract others just like you.
The smallish brown box you will be used for our cigars.
We shall let your tears thaw, add them to our left over pizza and feast on your maligned discontent.
Your hair will be tossed in the bin, we were just taking the piss, seriously what on earth would be do with a lock of hair..
Your admin rights to your blog. You can keep them, we couldn’t rival the sort of crap made up in the blogosphere daily. For instance, BeatMag was not behind Ramon Thomas’ outburst, nor are we responsible for blogger’s myopic vision i.e. we don’t populate muti with links about Twitter applications in the face of the World Banking crisis, although we’d love to.
You have already started to monetize your existence as a thinking human entity, we thought we might take this one step further and ensure that the transfer of your identity from man / woman to fictional blogging – blob was completed with little fuss. Waiving your rights to your claim as a human being will ensure that you can enter the web 2.0 world tabula rasa (blank slate) to be assimilated into the machine.
Should you agree to all of the above, simply sign on the dotted line below and one of our representatives will call you short, I mean call you shortly (reed shorty)
…………………………..
BeatMag will not be responsible for the up keep and maintenance of your human form, and will inevitably cast it and its hollow contents into the nearest pit. All BeatMag pits are however kindly donated by Neotel.
Happiness and love to all.
Vince.
Filed under: Stirred | 4 Comments
Tags: vince
The other day whilst walking with my business partner, the one who lovingly refers to me as the Internet’s “miscreant”, I happened by chance on a profound idea, it’d been hiding amongst the arbitrary tweets and haphazard business related thoughts. Where is your money, you sneaky little fuckers! If you’re in the business of selling “e-marketing” I expect you to be driving a smallish benz, puffing on a “stogey”, talking about your international travels and those annoying tales of your grudge purchases, likey your enormous French villa bla bla bla. You never seem to have such information for me! Why, are you saving for a rainier day? I know so many people looking for experts in “e” anything you should be making a killing! They happen to live in the east of Johannesburg, again I’m new to this place so forgive my generalizations, and from what I’ve heard require you to don a moniker like “frankie the electric wizard”and palm off small tablets to club goers, but at least you’d be earning your keep in this world not just screwing about pissing into the electronic gusts.
Take for instance Charl Norman, who has created what appears a covert dating site for particularly strange looking plastic people. He drives a smallish car, dates a model, eats the finest fast food money can buy and in spite of this his wealth in the “web 2.0″ industry appears to pale in comparison to say a parliamentarian who in her spare time dates a model, is driven about in a car we’ve paid for and dines on the most expensive meals hand delivered by our conniving tax men all the while operating at one hundredth of the mental capacity poor Mr Norman does.
Nevertheless my point is, you’re all far too broke. I’ve seen CraigN rummaging through bins to find his next feast, his sidekick, who bares a striking resemblance to him, getting the scraps as identical side kicks do. I’ve heard him howling about not being able to sleep at night fearing that his status as the electronic – reverend would be revoked and reassigned to lesser evangelists like the eccentric Feng Sushi from Fizzy.co.za. Craig, if I may interrupt your untimely demise, here is some advice, “you should spend more time at work and less time praying to the xbox for salvation. You should ensure that you keep hunting human prey with your camera to the bare minimum for it shall have detrimental effects on your health and wellbeing.”
I’ve heard rumours of blogger characters who are past the magical 23 year old barrier, Saulk watch yourself, who still live with their mothers. Think Will Farrel from the Wedding Crashers, you’re playing in that territory of creepiness. I assume you lot are who do live with your mommies are saving your pennies hoping to start the next counter intuitive blogging revolution or the niche social community for the 30 + bloggers who stay at home with their mothers. To which we all have to say Amen! Thank you purple barney buddha that you’re not getting outside to breed with any of the rest of the population, spreading your immiscible identities with those who are able to mix and network with the “real folk”.
Hell what’s worse is at the last 27 dinner I noticed Walter Pike sneaking off to the “loo” incessantly, only to catch him shuffling rather hurriedly off to the car park to syphon petrol out of what he screamed were the “noobs” motor vehicles. I of course assumed that he was going through a “rough patch” and was merely taking from the rich to feed his poor dying steed. We are reminded in those profound moments that assumptions are indeed the mother of all fuck ups because instead of re – focusing the fuel’s intentions to his own car, he pulled out a hip flask and tipped the petrol into it. I startled by this desperation, called out “Walter its cool, Garsen is handing out free Tequila!” He turned, I flinched knowing he was ashamed of himself and tried to be the better man, “its cool Walt I wont tell anyone, this’ll be our little secret”. “Thank you Vincent, I’ve always trusted you.” We went back into Capellos, misty eyed. When one of the presenters candidly mentioned “we’re also cool by the way and have tattoos”, I leaned over to Walt gave him a knowing look and we each took a swig of the petrol to take the edge off of what we’d just heard.
So to end this little tale, I shall pose a few questions to the blogging community. What are you guys doing with your money, seriously? Are you spending it on transient luxuries like french soaps and foreign smelling bath oils? Are those of you still biding your time, developing the next big thing, hoping to re create the demonic facebook? Did you go and buy an MG with the insurance money you were supposed to utilize for a responsible family sedan only to be kneed in the knads with repair bills which never seem to end?
Tell me your secrets!!
Filed under: Shaken | 9 Comments
Tags: povertea, taking the piss, vincenth
Eve Dmochowska, super star
The ellusive Eve D
Eve Dmochowska is generally considered a mystery in the online world. The obvious reason is due to most people’s inability to pronounce her surname. When we questioned online miscreant Vincent Hofmann, his comment to us was “How can someone with a three letter name have such a complicated surname? I can’t pronounce it”.
The second question playing on many people’s minds is how does Eve make a living? Andy “The oldest man on the net” Hadfield was quoted once as saying: “No one knows what Eve does but with a surname like that I’m not sure I want to know”.
Being the investigative journalists that we are, BeatMag did an expose into who the real EveD is. After extreme digging we found out that Eve is in fact a CIA operative working to depose African leaders. The problem is… she’s not very good at it.
We found out that Eve was responsible as the mastermind of the Equatorial Guinea coup and if you ask Simon Mann, you’ll know that it wasn’t extremely successful! She was also involved in a plot to kill Robert Mugabe by sending poisoned cigars which failed to kill Mugabe when Eve swapped the poisoned cigars with the syphilis containing cigars.
The CIA actually tried to fire Eve but she took them to the CCMA on the grounds of unfair dismissal. The case is still on-going and we will report back as soon as possible.
Filed under: Stirred | 1 Comment
Tags: Eve Dmochowska
Happy Birthday Andy Hadfield
Andy before the grey
Web 2.0 rockstar and all around nice guy, Andy “Lad” Hadfield is turning 28 today… or at least that’s what he tells us.
Upon investigating Andy’s Facebook profile we see his year of birth is 1980, making him a youthful 28 years old today. We did however have doubts about Mr Hadfield when we went through his photos and saw a man with rather grey hair which got us wondering. We poked and prodded and all we found were scared people not willing to talk. So much so that when we interviewed his coworkers we were escorted out the building by security.
BeatMagazine let the story slide until today when we got an anonymous email from the address “thewife@AndyH.co.za”. The contents of this email are quite shocking so if you have a weak stomach please don’t read the following:
“When registering for Facebook Andy couldn’t put his real age in as the option wasn’t available. The date he gave is the closest he could get to the real number. The problem is, you can’t set the century as the 1800’s. The truth is that Andy was born in 1880!”
Andy’s silvery locks and his beyond age wisdom is perfectly logically now. When we replied to the anonymous email address about how he keeps his youthful good looks the response was “a mixture of herbal viagra and awesomeness”
Suddenly everything makes sense in the world and we understand the truth behind Andy’s awesome beard.
Filed under: Stirred | 1 Comment
Tags: Andy Hadfield
There are a lot of blogs out there. That’s the understatement of the century. Yet, most of these blogs go undiscovered, unacknowledged. They are, in essence, shunned for not being one of the ‘cool kids’ of the blogoschmear.
Let’s take a look at some of the cardinal sins of these bloggers:
1. Laughing at their own jokes; (and closely related is next on the list)
2. Making jokes;
3. Not taking themselves seriously;
4. Not presenting their true identity online – not making their name into a brandname
5. Writing about their mom/hairdresser/wax appointment and they talk about their pets/kids/boyfriends/girlfriends/drinking/partying/bowel movements or lack thereof;
6. They actually comment on nearly every blog they read;
7. Blog rolls actually mean something to them;
8. They use twitter/face book/ insert other social networking platform here to keep in contact with their friends, and to swap gossip and recipes instead of promoting themselves and their boring-ass brandname.
Because everyone knows, that in order to be a successful blogger you must:
a) use your real name at all times. Your name is not merely something your parents burdened you with, but a handy marketing tool that you imagine emblazoned upon caps, t-shirts, pens and in neon lights above the city;
b) never make jokes, never laugh at your own jokes, and most importantly, you must take yourself and others dead seriously at all fucking times man. Oh wait. And you should never swear. Unless it is an absolute emergency. Like someone made a joke, and you were the butt of it.
c) you must never write about your mom/hairdresser/wax appointment. Furthermore you should never write about bowel movements, eating or anything related to being a person. Your readers should never picture you as ‘human’. You should appear, in their minds, like demi-god blogging beings. They should never think of you taking a crap, and really straining to push that bad boy out. (Someone should have eaten Activia Regular yoghurt, neh?)
d) Never ever turn twitter into a chatroom, or send people ridiculous ‘what kind of vampire are you?’ quiz on facebook. Furthermore, you should never tweet when drunk, nor update more than once every half hour. You should not follow people just because they follow you. In fact, you should weed out your ‘followers’ list at least once a week, because only a handful of ‘chosen’ actually, in your opinion, are worthy of having your updates in their timeline. You weed people out of your followers list, and then feel compelled to blog about it. Frankly, I don’t give a damn, my dear. To you, Facebook and or twitter is used merely to inform people that you have updated your blog. And to share ideas and network with ‘like-minded intellectually-compatible individuals’. You don’t picture twitter as a network. You picture it as a pyramid, with you on top, and all your followers groveling in adoration at your feet.
e) You shouldn’t know what a blog roll is or how to use it. You should never link to anyone else on your blog. Why would you want to give people a means to exit your blog? You MUST trap them forever, and guilt-trip them into not clicking the ‘close’ button on their browser.
f) never comment on a blog that isn’t your own. commenting is your way of responding to others’ comments on your blog when they disagree with you. Dont comment on other peoples’ blogs, because then it might look like you accept their viewpoint, condone their blog, or are affirming their status as bloggers worth reading.
g) If you think that there’s nothing to blog about if you omit strenuous bowel movements/back, sack and crack waxes and rude ‘your mother’ jokes. Think again. There’s all sorts of fascinating shit to write about.
Let’s have a look at what the so-called ‘big boys and girls’ have been writing about in the past week:
1. Kgalema Motlanthe’s first national address (fuck, excuse me while I choke on my own vomit)
2. The iPhone (I want a phone that can make calls and send text messages. Is that too much to ask? I don’t want a phone that picks my nose for me while I play Sudoku on it)
3. The many forms of web marketing for 2008 (um. Remind me again who gives a flying fanny fuck about this?) Please also note that this list can be translated into 7 different languages. That’s 7 other languages for me to not give a crap in.
4. Electric cars (c’mon. I’d rather drive a wheelbarrow than something as unsexy as an electric car)
5. Microsoft adopting opensource jQuery (Add this to my ‘don’t give a tosswinkie list)
6. Google’s 10th birthday. (Unless there’s free cake with a stripper who’s not adverse to giving me a blowjob under the table, I’m going to pass on this conversation, please)
7. SEO compatibility. (I think they made a spelling mistake there. The thing you should be worried about is SEX compatibility. SEO? No thanks. If it cant get me laid, I don’t care)
8. Whether Harabi will be the next WordPress. (I didn’t know words were pressable. The only thing I care about is making chicks press their thighs together, and then open. So the person who blogged about this – I have one question for you. Dude, do you EVER GET LAID?)
9. Firefox plugins that allow you to save now, read later (dude, the only plugin you should ever been concerned about is the one between your legs. Worry about finding a place to insert that. Once sorted, blog about it. I’d find that so much more interesting.)
Okay, I’m starting to even bore myself, talking about what the high and mighty are wearing out their keyboards typing about. Let’s face it. Those who have actually used the phrase ‘Web 2.0′ as anything other than an insult, or actually have it on their CVs, you should be ashamed of yourself.
So. All you future google whores might want to pay attention to what I’m about to say:
Don’t focus on having a great blog, focus on having a blog that’s great for your readers.
And stop being so god dammed boring, okay?
Filed under: Stirred | 4 Comments
Tags: kick in the guts, taking names
Vince the Vagabond Hofmann.
Vincent lurking at the door
He was wearing a faded t-shirt with the words “Freedom of Movement?” splashed across his chest. He recognized us, remembering the times we’d shared when he was still a successful blogger – before the Ryler incident. He slurred “wheresh my fukin money” and stuck his head into the open window, bringing with him the smell of wet compost.
He’d opted to bow out of the BeatMag network just before it’d made its millions in ad revenue. He’d cited a personal conflict with his own creation, vincenth. The self-reflection which he underwent as a result of blogging about himself, caused a mental separation that would never heal.
Sympathetically we offered him a ride to wherever he was going. We knew that this was our only chance to talk to him before the meth-rehydration-programme he’d been on since his “departure” had its last laugh at his expense.
BeatMag : So what are you up to these days?
Vince : Ag, wat da blikshem. What do you think? I’ve been eating the left overs of buppies, do you think this is a joke – I’ll fuckin smack you. Ok!
BeatMag : Ya..ok, no I’m not laughing hey, just something caught in my eye.
Vince : Ya where was I saying?
BeatMag : We asked what you’re doing these days?
Vince : Ya, Moral Fibre’s going well – we’ve started printing your shirts already and the stock will be on the shelves soon.
BetMag : But…Vincent
Vince : But what!! Jesus, such fucking pressure all the time. You people always badgering me with your, “you’ve done nothing yet”… “where’s the shop Vince”…”this shirt doesn’t fit..bla bla bla!”
BeatMag : Ok, ya, we were going to actually just say but its been ten years? Talita is running Moral Fibre now, quite profitably too actually. We just wanted to know what you were doing.
Vince : oh. Shuddup! ok just Shuddup [he whimpers, takes out a small moleskine book and a black bic pen from his tattered pants and begins writing]
BeatMag : What are you writing?
Vince : Nothing. [he scribbles something down] Just leave it ok!
BeatMag : Come on man, if its good we’ll see if we can get it published [we can't]
Vince : Really, you mean that? [we don't]
BeatMag : Of course you can trust us, would we lie to you? [we would]
Vince : Well its this story of this young guy, he’s called Vince and he’s got this scar on his face. It looks like a lightning bolt. His parents, a witch and wizard have been killed by Lord Norman of the BlueWorld Realm. He lives with his two aunts, Sheebee and Expensivethrills, both mugglepoofs. They belittle him every day and fill his young mind with foul language and explicit discussions about scissoring.
BeatMag : Ok but this is a bit similar to …
Vince : [holds his hand up to us] “Ok just fuck off and let me finish, here’s the best part. So like he lives in his aunts house, and there’s this school called BlogWarts. The headmaster, Humblewhore, knowing of Vince’s hereditary baldness and secret mind tricks sends him a magical – mule, carrying with it a letter of invitation to Blogwarts” He stops and pauses for effect and whispers “its Saul, the mule, its Saul, because he’s an ass”. [Saul looks at me, flashes his platinum grin and sniggers]
“Vince..” he carries on “is to attend the magical Blogwarts school of wizardry ultimately conquering evil Lord Norman and winning the prize for most handsome wizard in the world, ever. Yah anyway you get the picture, you wouldn’t understand the rest its way over your heads, the story is actually an [he raises his hands and gesticulates the universal sign of intellectual arrogance, the finger apostrophees] allegorical tale which speaks to theory on institutionalized conformity, confronting notions of sexuali”.
But before he could finish his pathetic story, Saul kicked him to the Curb, shouting as he did, “Harry Potter assehole, Harry Potter”.
<Secretly they were jealous of Vincent’s ideas, and decided to write a story based on his. Saul grew nervous however claiming foolishly that “the Vincent Potter idea was not truly original” their friend and legal aid, reminded them that originality is relative and that South Africa being the cradle of humankind was afterall the real Milli Vanilli and thus existed in parallel to the rest of the world>
Filed under: Stirred | 1 Comment
Tags: probably a lot more piss taking of myself to come, taking the piss again, vincent.h so hot right now, vincenttheass
Rob Stokes, founder and owner of online marketing company Quirk has something he wants to clear up.
“For so many month I’ve been hearing rumours on the Internet that I am an evil genetically mutated super human with a vendetta against a short, cute little Asian man” said Stokes in an interview today. “I had no idea what anyone was talking about until I caught the show Heroes and I realised why I had this bad reputation.”
BeatMagazine took the liberty to explore this issue further and found the following photographic evidence where the resemblance is quite uncanny:
As you can see, there is a distinct resemblance between Stokes and the character “Adam Munroe” in the popular TV Show.
“I’m literally losing business from this and I need to set the message straight. I’m not evil, in fact I’m a really jolly guy who just wants to promote a few websites online. I’ve never even been to Japan let alone feudal Japan and while I’m super smart I’m definitely not able to heal like this Munroe character is able to.”
BeatMag is all about getting the truth out there and we just hope and pray that people listen to his impassioned plea’s and that Quirk can continue its growth.
Filed under: Shaken | 9 Comments
Tags: Heroes, Quirk, Rob Stokes
Shaun Oakes not actually an Oke
Super blogger and officially “Cape Town’s favourite son”, Shaun Oakes has revealed that the character is in fact a “nom de plume” and more of a “social experiment”.
Speaking from Polokwane, a repentant Jucinda Matabane admitted that it was all just “a big joke” and that she hoped that she hadn’t offended anyone with her thinly veiled jokes. “The truth is that I’ve never actually been to Cape Town and I don’t know anyone named Shaun” said Matabane.
She also added that she “initially just wanted to keep herself busy while working on her university projects but it got so big that it made financial sense to keep the site and make the occasional post”.
Matabane is the most apologetic to her legion of female fans who send her flowers, chocolate and underwear. “Being a B-cup myself, it was actually quite convenient getting all this underwear and I’ve never bought a bra in the past two years”.
When asked if she would take down the site Matabane revealed she would not as she makes more money from Adsense that she does in her daily job.
For us a BeatMag, reading our favourite blog, Shaun Oakes will never be the same again.
The real
Filed under: Shaken | 5 Comments
Tags: Shaun Oakes
Traditional Medicine- Amazing Web Shot
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